The Monkey Tracker

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Monkeyyyyyyys of London! ARRRGHOOOO

We escaped the Crazy Train, we reached the end of the line you see, we missed our stop and had to go forward in reverse..

Now we are waiting in line to see lots of dead people in the Paris Catacoumbs..

We don't know where Nomad is, again. We know that we gave a crumb to you all with the Canadian blog a few days ago and that you don't deserve another crumb just yet, but the blog is weeks behind and we need to catch up.

After Canada we landed at the London international airport. Distracted by a mob of crazy women screaming we almost walked straight past Beric's Aunty Loretta. We greeted her then realised that Nomad was gone. That was the end of Nomad, we didn't see him for a week. The first thing we did was catch the tube a.k.a the train and went straight to Beric's Nonno's favourite pub, 'The Woodlands'.  Below in the Photo is Beric's Aunty Loretta and her partner Mark.

Going to the Woodlands was our main tourist attraction advice from Beric's Nonno, Barry a.k.a Bazza.
"If you go to England.. You gotta see... the WOODlands pub!"

This pub is conveniently located 1 minute walk from Loretta's glorious London apartment. Mark (Loretta's partner) and Loretta were showing us the ropes. Foster beer is strictly 'export only' in Australia but it's different in England, it didn't taste like cat urnine.

"See that Aussie flag, my Nonno stuck that to the roof last year, this is my pub you see, get out of my PUB!!". 
Turns out the Enlgish news paper is even more entertaining than the Mexico one:

 This is Aunty Loretta's lovely appartment, and was our new cave.. ahh gotta make a fire! shelter! 


We went to the London Dungeons the next day. Well we both went in but only Beric made it through.

Steve got escorted out in the mirror maze when some ghost actor falsey accused Steve of hitting her in the boobs. She jumped out and tried to scare us then started grabbing her boobs and rambling jibberish when we turned around. It was highly confusing. "For the record Steve is not a pervert Woman basher.''

We Saw Buckingham palace, those crazy guards with the bear hats on their heads aren't soooo motionless.. we saw one shifting his eyes then marching and swapping duty. In the Australian army they make the whole platoon stand there until at least 3 people pass out and face plant it into the bitumen!

Beric climbed a lion when the police turned their back. Suckers!!

 Something about London Bridge.

Vertical garden??

This bum had it all, people where paying him money to hum muppet songs into this witches hat..  

Aunty Loretta was kind enough to drive us out to stone henge. This pile of rocks is worth seeing for a few minutes, and definitely has some good boulder climbing problems on it.

  This BIRD was up to something. I still don't know what exactly but I'm gunna find out.

In fact speaking of bouldering we went on a mission to some silly boulder gym and then wandered around some square, Trifle square I think it was..

Thanks Loretta and Mark! We had a great time and it was lovely to see you both.

Steve disappeared after a few days for a rendezvous with Nomad and Sophie Oriti at Leeds. I don't know what took place but I don't like it. They were up to something.

Apparently Steve captured a glimpse of Nomads activities. Steve was privileged enough to accompany Nomad to some fancy 'high tea party'. You know with the berets, and the tea, the scones and the croquet and don't forget the flamingos!

We weren't surprised as Nomad has English heritage and we had a suspicion that his Mother Rosemary would have pre-arranged a bunch of extravagant Nomad events. It's all linked to that pad. What is he writing in that pad!?

I wandered off the Hampton Court Palace with mark. Those English people really know how to build a palace.. these places are fully insane, they spent a lot of money and resources building these things.

They had some sort of Hogwarts hall thingy. No signs of Hermione unfortunetly..

You could rig up a good climbing gym inside this baby:

I'm not impressed! where's the Kangaroo's?? For the record any foreign girls reading this, my back yard has Kangaroo's in it.. Seriously..

This old guy acting as King Henry actually kissed this young actress. Talk about authentic role play. It was cool though, throughout the whole castle there were actors doing peformances to show you the history, never mind reading, reading is for suckers!

You call that a knife?! these defintely wern't spoons..
I must admit, thats a chair..

I also caught a train on a solo mission to Warwick, a house in Warwick had a red door, I like that..  


I went to Warwick to see Warwick Castle. I highly recommend you visit the castle if you go to England. It was just like the Nintendo game Zelda with the torture dungeons, dragon towers, potion stands and medievil weaponry.

Below is a shot of some 'murder holes'. When the enemy breaks through the draw bridge gates into the castle, the English would pour glowing red hot sand, nails and boiling sewerage on them through these holes.

Gotta have potions..

Too many Birds. I hope Chris Bird is reading this..

I wanted to see this thing peck someones eyes out in the crowd..

Thats not his head.. its a bird.. another one.. I like Birds.. Don't take take that the wrong way Chris Bird.
Now the good stuff. The tourture chamber dungeon.

They would hang people in this contraption and leave people in this dingy hole until the rats ate them or they died.

Did I mention I like Birds and flowers?


This guy, he had it all, and he blew it. Now he's dead. He had Six wives just like Steve.

Finish him!!!
I don't know who this good looking rooster is.. Some sort of spartian sex god.

They're all finished. Just like Steve and Noamd. No good bums.

Long live the James Hetfield Mullet. I coming for ya Andy.

Its a popular trend to be pregnant and paint things red in England..

I am pretending to pat a dog. Apparently at this exact location my dad pretended to pat and dog and then screamed and tried to convince the female owner that it bit him. Ingenious!

Next stop was a vague rendezvous with Steve and Nomad at Mallorca Island Spain. Real spook eye like.Mallorca is the World capital of deep water soling (DWS). I think that Paris scum train infected us with its scum bacteria...

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